So I think I finally have this phase of my life over with. After two entire years of hating myself for what I did with fuckface, I have finally talked to him face to face and made peace. Although I think part of this is because I now have the power over him. Which is completely ironic.
So you may or may not have heard about the one-night-stand I had with the guy from my class a couple years ago, where technically I said yes, but it was one of those things that I hated...
But this weekend apparently I grew a pair of large, golden balls that I've needed for the last 2 years. I was planning and attending a frat party, but met up with some friends who later kidnapped me from said party after I returned. By then I was fairly drunk and decided I needed to finally deal with this horrid memory head-on. So I started texting him, telling him we were at Cys. He showed up, and we talked for a bit.
Now please, do not yell at me, because I know that I put myself in this situation. But still. Continuing.
I should have known. I should have gotten the hint while he was trying to take my hand and lead me out of the bar, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Got back to Buchanan eventually, after running into Josh, Andy and Jailbait outside of the frat. I thought I was making it extraordinarily obvious with my body language that I was not going to do anything, sitting backwards on the chair, crossing my arms, etc. But no, he kept pushing and pushing and moving my arms so that he could kiss me and such. He was saying that he actually liked me and was all in, I was cute, etc, but by this point in my life I'm so jaded all I could hear was "Blah blah blah I'm a man whore and I want to get laid tonight." So finally after I forced him off me and grabbed my purse, I got out of there and went home. He kept texting me, telling me to come back and "talk," but no, I stayed away. And in the morning, after waking up and coming to a few more of my senses, I sent a nice (hopefully) text saying something like "I do believe you, but even if you are in it for more, I'm seriously out. Sorry." I don't believe him, but as the one with the power now I felt like I had to be a bit nice.
So yeah. I don't go around trying to gain power over guys, but the two who did have the slight bit I couldn't get rid of, I've taken down in a 1-2 punch the last 2 weekends. I think I can move on now.
But it's still weird. The guy I currently like in the immediate vicinity and I are friends, but there is no way I'm going to put myself out there. But how ironic, that I'm so afraid of rejection that I'm the one doing all the rejecting lately?
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2 comments:
Yay for finally being able to move on! I am proud of you for growing a pair of balls and stealing his. Muahaha.
Also, having recently put myself out there and been rejected, I feel as though I am in a position where I should offer some sort of advice. I'm not going to. What I am going to do, is tell you that, yes, it's very liberating to do so, but it's also very crushing when/if the answer is no, so if you are unprepared to get stomped on, it's best to leave things as they are. On the flipside, nothing says "regret" like not doing anything, and always wondering. Would I do it again? Probably. I hate the way things turned out and how I felt, but it's kind of freeing, knowing, and, shit, if I can do that, I can do damn near anything I feel like. I would not erease the way things went, nor would I NOT not-consider doing it in the future. On the flipside, you gotta be ready to man up and deal with it if you do. Idk. Life lessons learned but not adequately enough to share wisdom, I guess. If I had to push one way or the other, eventually, I say, go for it. Why not?
(Unrelatd, my security word is "ovatied" which naturally I went "ovaries? what?")
Also: please to ignore my typos. My brain can jump from a mac to a PC easily but my fingers apparently cannot
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