So I think I finally have this phase of my life over with. After two entire years of hating myself for what I did with fuckface, I have finally talked to him face to face and made peace. Although I think part of this is because I now have the power over him. Which is completely ironic.
So you may or may not have heard about the one-night-stand I had with the guy from my class a couple years ago, where technically I said yes, but it was one of those things that I hated...
But this weekend apparently I grew a pair of large, golden balls that I've needed for the last 2 years. I was planning and attending a frat party, but met up with some friends who later kidnapped me from said party after I returned. By then I was fairly drunk and decided I needed to finally deal with this horrid memory head-on. So I started texting him, telling him we were at Cys. He showed up, and we talked for a bit.
Now please, do not yell at me, because I know that I put myself in this situation. But still. Continuing.
I should have known. I should have gotten the hint while he was trying to take my hand and lead me out of the bar, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Got back to Buchanan eventually, after running into Josh, Andy and Jailbait outside of the frat. I thought I was making it extraordinarily obvious with my body language that I was not going to do anything, sitting backwards on the chair, crossing my arms, etc. But no, he kept pushing and pushing and moving my arms so that he could kiss me and such. He was saying that he actually liked me and was all in, I was cute, etc, but by this point in my life I'm so jaded all I could hear was "Blah blah blah I'm a man whore and I want to get laid tonight." So finally after I forced him off me and grabbed my purse, I got out of there and went home. He kept texting me, telling me to come back and "talk," but no, I stayed away. And in the morning, after waking up and coming to a few more of my senses, I sent a nice (hopefully) text saying something like "I do believe you, but even if you are in it for more, I'm seriously out. Sorry." I don't believe him, but as the one with the power now I felt like I had to be a bit nice.
So yeah. I don't go around trying to gain power over guys, but the two who did have the slight bit I couldn't get rid of, I've taken down in a 1-2 punch the last 2 weekends. I think I can move on now.
But it's still weird. The guy I currently like in the immediate vicinity and I are friends, but there is no way I'm going to put myself out there. But how ironic, that I'm so afraid of rejection that I'm the one doing all the rejecting lately?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
All my ex's live in... Iowa. fuck
Where to start? Well, I guess it's safe to say that this post is going to be completely vague and go in lots of circles, and isn't going up til the people who want to know or should know what's going on do. I should also say that due to the very private and secret nature of this one, I've decided to stop importing to Facebook. So if you read this, you are now in a very elite category of people who... actually care!
It all started in November 2007. Got drunk at a tasting at Cyclone Liquors, with a friend, ran into a guy from class, shit went down, I ended up hating what I had done (and you can all reasonably guess that that was, technically I said yes, but I wasn't really ready) and so I stopped calling, stopped answering, I handled it horribly, but the only way I knew how. I knew I wasn't ok, but as long as I avoided the whole situation, I was ok. I even got everything out of my system by venting *everything* to a very close group of friends, so I thought I was progressing.
Then last Monday night. Random guy stopped by my friends room to see what the ruckus was about. It took my about 4 seconds to realize it was fuckface, and only 2 more seconds to retreat to the connecting room and commence freak-out.
I should be over that, I should not have freaked out like that, that was nearly 2 years ago. But that started and ended so badly and abruptly and I was not prepared to see him that I just didn't have time to rationalize my reaction. And now I saw him more in 2 days than I had in a year and a half. And now it sucks, because I have to look down the hall to make sure he isn't there or prepare myself for the first contact. I need to get over it. Not forgive, but move on.
Speaking of moving on. Anybody here go back home for their hometown festivals much? I have been there most years except last year, when I didn't go home from Christmas to August. Then this year. Then this year...
K, or any other members of the SATC group, if you haven't gotten what I will refer to as THE story, stop reading. If you have, then continue, this is just a recap.
You know how we all have that high-school fantasy, the one where you dream that it would come true, but you know it never will? And you also know how at the beginning of a night where you plan to get drunk, you make the joking statements about what you might do or wish would happen? Well, both kinda happened.
My oldest friend S and I were just going to get drunk uptown at the Calamus Days street dance. What else was there to do? We pre-gamed with some strawberry schnapps and lemonade and some Bud Light, which I usually hate, but in cans, was not so bad. Head up town, on the way there, we're talking about where some of the people from HS were and who they were dating and so on... I had a huge crush on a guy back in HS and it was pretty certain that at some point he would be uptown too that night. So I made the joke that "Can I just get drunk and makeout with a [insert last name here] twin?!"
The night wore on, we continued to drink and drink and get rained on and drink and dance and the band was pretty good and we ran into people we had hung out at on the 4th of July and eventually we made our way into the only bar with the rest of the drunks. Ran into another classmate of ours and did some shots, at one point I had both [insert last name here] twins around me and obviously flirting. When we finally got thrown out of the bar, the twin I liked way back (we'll call him... Brian) was standing next to me and rubbing my back and all that, saying that he might be in Ames the next day for a "HVAC seminar". Asked if I wanted to "take a walk," and I said yes, but trying to say, I hope you don't think this is going where I think you think it's going. Down the block he took my hand, and kissed me. Actually fantastic, I have to admit. Made our way to the back of the Fire Station and the LP tank. Lots of standing in water, as the rain had puddled there. Long story short, shirt was off, etc, he definitely tried to get me to sleep with him. I don't want to degrade him at all, but there was begging and sweet talking and I could tell that he still actually wanted me. But I couldn't. This actually goes back to fuckface.
Because I was so incredibly drunk that night, I've made it a rule for myself that the first time with a guy will not be when either of us are drunk, and "Brian" and I were smashed. I tried to tell him that, and if things had been different, it might have happened. But not then. I hated myself for fuckface, and I didn't want to hate myself for "Brian".
But I'm leaving the best part for last, and yes, I knew this the whole time, and factored in to my decision slightly. He has a, ah, very long-term, live-in relationship. She has at least 2 kids, not by "Brian", but she now has one on the way that she says is his. He says he doesn't quite trust her, but yeah. So I made out with him. I didn't let him cheat. And it's complicated... oh so complicated...
But moving on, even with the title of the post... Last summer's psuedo-ex. Has a new lady friend. Who is 18... and a half. Like, she introduces herself as that. I'm sorry, but if you feel the need to introduce yourself in half years, you're just not quite ready to level up yet. But this has had the happy coincidence of ruining any chance he had or wanted with me.
Which probably happened awhile ago anyway. But the reason I know now is because I certainly have my sights set on another. And this time, finally again, for the first time since "Brian", a guy I like is actually older than me. And this time, by quite a bit. I don't want to get into it quite yet, one, because I don't know where I'll be in a month, and two, because I don't want for it to seem like it's retaliatory for the 18 1/2 year old. But it's fun, we've become grand friends. And what's it mean when you catch him just looking up at you for extended periods of time? huh, another question for another night, I suppose. Because this post is already far too long.
g'night!
It all started in November 2007. Got drunk at a tasting at Cyclone Liquors, with a friend, ran into a guy from class, shit went down, I ended up hating what I had done (and you can all reasonably guess that that was, technically I said yes, but I wasn't really ready) and so I stopped calling, stopped answering, I handled it horribly, but the only way I knew how. I knew I wasn't ok, but as long as I avoided the whole situation, I was ok. I even got everything out of my system by venting *everything* to a very close group of friends, so I thought I was progressing.
Then last Monday night. Random guy stopped by my friends room to see what the ruckus was about. It took my about 4 seconds to realize it was fuckface, and only 2 more seconds to retreat to the connecting room and commence freak-out.
I should be over that, I should not have freaked out like that, that was nearly 2 years ago. But that started and ended so badly and abruptly and I was not prepared to see him that I just didn't have time to rationalize my reaction. And now I saw him more in 2 days than I had in a year and a half. And now it sucks, because I have to look down the hall to make sure he isn't there or prepare myself for the first contact. I need to get over it. Not forgive, but move on.
Speaking of moving on. Anybody here go back home for their hometown festivals much? I have been there most years except last year, when I didn't go home from Christmas to August. Then this year. Then this year...
K, or any other members of the SATC group, if you haven't gotten what I will refer to as THE story, stop reading. If you have, then continue, this is just a recap.
You know how we all have that high-school fantasy, the one where you dream that it would come true, but you know it never will? And you also know how at the beginning of a night where you plan to get drunk, you make the joking statements about what you might do or wish would happen? Well, both kinda happened.
My oldest friend S and I were just going to get drunk uptown at the Calamus Days street dance. What else was there to do? We pre-gamed with some strawberry schnapps and lemonade and some Bud Light, which I usually hate, but in cans, was not so bad. Head up town, on the way there, we're talking about where some of the people from HS were and who they were dating and so on... I had a huge crush on a guy back in HS and it was pretty certain that at some point he would be uptown too that night. So I made the joke that "Can I just get drunk and makeout with a [insert last name here] twin?!"
The night wore on, we continued to drink and drink and get rained on and drink and dance and the band was pretty good and we ran into people we had hung out at on the 4th of July and eventually we made our way into the only bar with the rest of the drunks. Ran into another classmate of ours and did some shots, at one point I had both [insert last name here] twins around me and obviously flirting. When we finally got thrown out of the bar, the twin I liked way back (we'll call him... Brian) was standing next to me and rubbing my back and all that, saying that he might be in Ames the next day for a "HVAC seminar". Asked if I wanted to "take a walk," and I said yes, but trying to say, I hope you don't think this is going where I think you think it's going. Down the block he took my hand, and kissed me. Actually fantastic, I have to admit. Made our way to the back of the Fire Station and the LP tank. Lots of standing in water, as the rain had puddled there. Long story short, shirt was off, etc, he definitely tried to get me to sleep with him. I don't want to degrade him at all, but there was begging and sweet talking and I could tell that he still actually wanted me. But I couldn't. This actually goes back to fuckface.
Because I was so incredibly drunk that night, I've made it a rule for myself that the first time with a guy will not be when either of us are drunk, and "Brian" and I were smashed. I tried to tell him that, and if things had been different, it might have happened. But not then. I hated myself for fuckface, and I didn't want to hate myself for "Brian".
But I'm leaving the best part for last, and yes, I knew this the whole time, and factored in to my decision slightly. He has a, ah, very long-term, live-in relationship. She has at least 2 kids, not by "Brian", but she now has one on the way that she says is his. He says he doesn't quite trust her, but yeah. So I made out with him. I didn't let him cheat. And it's complicated... oh so complicated...
But moving on, even with the title of the post... Last summer's psuedo-ex. Has a new lady friend. Who is 18... and a half. Like, she introduces herself as that. I'm sorry, but if you feel the need to introduce yourself in half years, you're just not quite ready to level up yet. But this has had the happy coincidence of ruining any chance he had or wanted with me.
Which probably happened awhile ago anyway. But the reason I know now is because I certainly have my sights set on another. And this time, finally again, for the first time since "Brian", a guy I like is actually older than me. And this time, by quite a bit. I don't want to get into it quite yet, one, because I don't know where I'll be in a month, and two, because I don't want for it to seem like it's retaliatory for the 18 1/2 year old. But it's fun, we've become grand friends. And what's it mean when you catch him just looking up at you for extended periods of time? huh, another question for another night, I suppose. Because this post is already far too long.
g'night!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tired of my hair color
Guys, if you read this, you will be bored shitless. Except for the end. Near the picture. Skip to there. Don't say I didn't warn you...
Yup, you guessed it. I dyed it again. Now normally, this is just something I do every once in a while, ya know, to change up the everyday. But in this last one, I think I may have realized something.
Each time I go to dye it, it's at the start of something new. Whether it's a new semester, a new school year, or I'm just wanting to make a good impression, I dye it for occasions. Starting my junior year of college. I mean, I did it in high school when I was trying to change my image a little, but I stopped. I've always gone red. Well, the first time wasn't my choice, but I still ended up loving it. It was for a conference where we had costumes. Our school's theme was X-Men, and I was Jean Grey. Red hair. Bright red hair. So that was really the start of my time in Res Hall government. The *start*. Then beginnings of semesters, like with Dirk Deam and I felt different hair would make me more confident. Not so much, but yeah. Beginnings. I held off on it in the fall semester because I hated where I was. I think I finally dyed it when I accepted that I was stuck there for the year. Then, for Spring Break. that was a stupid reason to dye it, but none-the-less. Things were going to change one way or the other and I knew it. Now, they changed for *the other,* but still.
So this last time. I must really be wanting to make changes. Well, I've already changed one thing about my life, and I think I'm finally accepting things. That and one of my friend got me on this kick and now I going to try to reach that goal, and going for dark hair is one step closer. And dark. Not red/brown/auburn. Brown. Love it. But, off the tanget, I dye it when things are new, or when I think things are going to change. And right now, I kind of like this change. Or maybe I'm just being a girl and I will have a completely different mindset next week. I hope not. Unless action is taken, I don't think it will be different. Besides, I know what (who?) I want, so I shouldn't worry about others. Although this may be a try to differentiate myself from others. I've known that part for awhile. But on the other side, I was just tired of being a dirty blonde. There are too many of those around. The only thing is that I really need to tan for it to look good.
So yeah. Told you boys (if you actually got to this point) it would be boring. Girls and their hair, very personal.
In other news, (not very interesting news) I'm jacking up my work out. In 2 days I upped my total time by 2/3. Now instead of 3 sets of 8 minutes on eliptical with a set of 20/10/20/20/10 in between, now it's 5 sets of 8 with the same after. Woohoo. I can feel it. After the second day of ramping, I HURT, but I'm better. Musculosos I never knew existed are coming through, which is awesome...
Uhm... yeah. Saw Transformers at the midnight showing! Awesome!!! I want to see it in IMAX now, but no-one wants to go with me... sad day.
The pits are now warm enough for daily swimming!!!
Went shooting with one of my friends the other day. AR-15. Did pretty well. The first two times I got all my shots on the target!!! Couldn't tell after that because of sharing, but it's going up on my wall...
Soo tired now. Going to bed.
Yup, you guessed it. I dyed it again. Now normally, this is just something I do every once in a while, ya know, to change up the everyday. But in this last one, I think I may have realized something.
Each time I go to dye it, it's at the start of something new. Whether it's a new semester, a new school year, or I'm just wanting to make a good impression, I dye it for occasions. Starting my junior year of college. I mean, I did it in high school when I was trying to change my image a little, but I stopped. I've always gone red. Well, the first time wasn't my choice, but I still ended up loving it. It was for a conference where we had costumes. Our school's theme was X-Men, and I was Jean Grey. Red hair. Bright red hair. So that was really the start of my time in Res Hall government. The *start*. Then beginnings of semesters, like with Dirk Deam and I felt different hair would make me more confident. Not so much, but yeah. Beginnings. I held off on it in the fall semester because I hated where I was. I think I finally dyed it when I accepted that I was stuck there for the year. Then, for Spring Break. that was a stupid reason to dye it, but none-the-less. Things were going to change one way or the other and I knew it. Now, they changed for *the other,* but still.
So this last time. I must really be wanting to make changes. Well, I've already changed one thing about my life, and I think I'm finally accepting things. That and one of my friend got me on this kick and now I going to try to reach that goal, and going for dark hair is one step closer. And dark. Not red/brown/auburn. Brown. Love it. But, off the tanget, I dye it when things are new, or when I think things are going to change. And right now, I kind of like this change. Or maybe I'm just being a girl and I will have a completely different mindset next week. I hope not. Unless action is taken, I don't think it will be different. Besides, I know what (who?) I want, so I shouldn't worry about others. Although this may be a try to differentiate myself from others. I've known that part for awhile. But on the other side, I was just tired of being a dirty blonde. There are too many of those around. The only thing is that I really need to tan for it to look good.
So yeah. Told you boys (if you actually got to this point) it would be boring. Girls and their hair, very personal.
In other news, (not very interesting news) I'm jacking up my work out. In 2 days I upped my total time by 2/3. Now instead of 3 sets of 8 minutes on eliptical with a set of 20/10/20/20/10 in between, now it's 5 sets of 8 with the same after. Woohoo. I can feel it. After the second day of ramping, I HURT, but I'm better. Musculosos I never knew existed are coming through, which is awesome...
Uhm... yeah. Saw Transformers at the midnight showing! Awesome!!! I want to see it in IMAX now, but no-one wants to go with me... sad day.
The pits are now warm enough for daily swimming!!!
Went shooting with one of my friends the other day. AR-15. Did pretty well. The first two times I got all my shots on the target!!! Couldn't tell after that because of sharing, but it's going up on my wall...
Soo tired now. Going to bed.
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